


welcome to bible study we're all children of jesus (except for gekiyaku)

by kaleidoscopening



Series: Kuzutokaze+Friends High School AU [1]
Category: UTAU, Vocaloid, kuzutokaze
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bad Humor, Bad Puns, Character Tags To Be Added - Freeform, Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, Gen, Ghosts, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Satanism, Ships to be added - Freeform, Slice of Life, Witchcraft, abundant use of memes, i think im forgetting something but fuck it, pop culture references
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-13
Updated: 2018-04-05
Packaged: 2019-03-31 00:33:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13963449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kaleidoscopening/pseuds/kaleidoscopening
Summary: ┼chloroform┼: if you two dont shut ur dirty asses up i will pour so much hydrochloric acid down your mouths you’ll explodeMasked bitcH: see thisMasked bitcH: this is why we dont like youMasked bitcH: where the fuck would you even get hydrochloric acid┼chloroform┼: i have connections





	1. lemon meringue

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by if 2 phantom thieves were on the moon and one killed the other with a rock would that be fucked up or what  by mellofricker and hatsune miku vs. the world & knuckles: the electric boogaloo™ by [afterreign](%E2%80%9C)
> 
> okay so 
> 
> I live and breathe chatfics I love them sm and I've always wanted to write one of my own but i never found anything I actually wanted to write one for
> 
> but a while ago i found kurukurusuuzi's utaus and they've all easily made their way into my faves!! I love them all sm....so why not make a fanfic for them???
> 
> I'm still not 100% sure of the direction i want to go with this, actually,, but I hope you all enjoy this headcanon-ridden (probably ooc) fic nonetheless! 
> 
> (also happy early birthday shirezu)

_May 2, 2018_

_4:20 am_

_Gekiyaku added Kazehiki, Kuzudarou, Kuzudayone, and Shirezu Namae to a group_

 

**Gekiyaku:** ugh default names

 

_Gekiyaku changed their name to ┼chloroform┼_

_┼chloroform┼ changed Kazehiki’s name to Casper the friendly ghost_

_┼chloroform┼ changed Kuzudarou’s name to ROUpaul_

_┼chloroform┼ changed Kuzudayone’s name to Masked bitcH_

_┼chloroform┼ changed Shirezu Namae’s name to eleven_

_┼chloroform┼ renamed the group to Satan’s Pharmacy_

 

**┼chloroform┼** : much better!!!

**Masked bitcH** : i already want to leave

**┼chloroform┼:** I cant fucking believe this

**┼chloroform┼:** i go through all this trouble to make a gc for you people and this is the thanks i get!!!! i see how it is

**ROUpaul:** sis,,,,, this took you thirty seconds to make

**┼chloroform┼:** thats irrelevant

**Masked bitcH:** just like this gc?

**ROUpaul:** KSJCKSDFJHIUSRFHCKISDJ

**Masked bitcH:** >:3c

**┼chloroform┼:** you know WHAT

**┼chloroform┼:** why are y’all so mad at me i dont understand

**ROUpaul:** everyone in this godforsaken chat is mad at you sweetie. all the time

**Masked bitcH:** 25/8

**┼chloroform┼:** thats not true!!!! kazehiki and shirezu love me unconditionally

**Masked bitcH:** thats hilarious

**┼chloroform┼:** shut up

**┼chloroform┼:** right, shirezu??

**┼chloroform┼:** :)

**eleven:** ye s

**Masked bitcH:** smells like blackmail :/

**ROUpaul:** poor poor shirezu

**┼chloroform┼:** if you two dont shut ur dirty asses up i will pour so much hydrochloric acid down your mouths you’ll explode

**Masked bitcH:** see this

**Masked bitcH:** this is why we dont like you

**Masked bitcH:** where the fuck would you even get hydrochloric acid

**┼chloroform┼:** i have connections

**ROUpaul:** AN Y WAYS

**ROUpaul:** Kazehiki still hasn’t said anything lmao

**┼chloroform┼:** thats bc our love is so strong that it transcends words!!!

**Casper the friendly ghost:**...

**┼chloroform┼:** see

**Casper the friendly ghost:**.........

**Masked bitcH:** no,, no i cant

**┼chloroform┼:** u have a fuckin g napkin over your eyes you cant see shit

**Casper the friendly ghost:**..........................................

**Casper the friendly ghost:** Actually, Gekiyaku’s right. I can’t put these strong feelings into words.

**Masked bitcH:** your strong what

**Casper the friendly ghost:** So I’ll leave a video instead.

**Casper the friendly ghost:<https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QvWj18LeU1g>**

****Masked bitcH:**  **eyyyyyyy

**ROUpaul:** HAHHAHAHAHHAHA

**Masked bitcH:** i knew we could trust you kazehiki

**Casper the friendly ghost:** UvU

**Masked bitcH:** i thought this was gonna be some kind of incest thing im so relieved

**Casper the friendly ghost:** Why would I be in love with Gekiyaku?

**Casper the friendly ghost:** That’s a sin, and she has no redeeming qualities.

**Masked bitcH:** damn

**ROUpaul:** facts!!

**┼chloroform┼:** the AUDACITY

**┼chloroform┼:** i didnt even do anything to you???

**Casper the friendly ghost:** Are you sure?

**┼chloroform┼:** im 666% sure

**Casper the friendly ghost:** Maybe THIS will jog your memory:

 

_Casper the friendly ghost sent a picture_

 

**ROUpaul:** an empty pie tin

**Masked bitcH:** so she vored your cake??? she couldnt even clean up evidence smh

**ROUpaul:** never mention vore in my presence. ever again

**┼chloroform┼:** oh yeah,,,,

**┼chloroform┼:** i mean

**┼chloroform┼:** idk what that is!!!!

**eleven:** the cake we ate

**Masked bitcH:** busted

**┼chloroform┼:** SHIREZU KEEP A SECRET

**Casper the friendly ghost:** So you admit to your crimes?

**┼chloroform┼:** never

**Masked bitcH:** i feel like im in my dangan ronpa phase again

**Masked bitcH:** didn’t know angie yonaga was the protagonist :0

**ROUpaul:** wouldnt this be ace attorney

**Masked bitcH:** o ya u right u right

**Casper the friendly ghost:** We are dismissing the gravity of the situation!!!  
**Casper the friendly ghost:** This FIEND

**Casper the friendly ghost:** broke into MY kitchen, and shamelessly ate the lemon meringue pie that I had SLAVED over for HOURS

**ROUpaul:** what the fresh hell is a meringue

**Casper the friendly ghost:** I WORKED SO HARD!! I HAD TO WHIP THAT MERINGUE FOR HOURS! I WAS IN THE KITCHEN FOR THE WHOLE DAY!

**Masked bitcH:** he’s finally lost it

**Masked bitcH:** local ghost goes on rampage bc his cake was vored

**ROUpaul:** what did i JUST SAY

**ROUpaul:** also is kazehiki having ANOTHER coughing fit i can hear him from here

**Casper the friendly ghost:** AND YOU ATE IT!! ALL! YOU EVEN HAD AN ACCOMPLICE

**Casper the friendly ghost:** Now what, my dear “sister”, do you have to say for yourself?

**┼chloroform┼:**...oh are you finally done

**┼chloroform┼:** yeah it was delicious!! the consistency and sweetness of the meringue was on point, it contrasted with the sourness of the lemon wonderfully~   69/10! my compliments to the chef ♡

**eleven:** ^

**ROUpaul:** uno u should be on food network

**Casper the friendly ghost:** Do you...do you have a grain of remorse in that body of yours?

**┼chloroform┼:** um no??? what kind of soft-shelled being do you take me for,,,,,

**Casper the friendly ghost:** Jesus Christ...

**┼chloroform┼:**!!!! no swearing in my good satanic server!!!!!

 

_Casper the friendly ghost has left the group_

 

**Masked bitcH:** it was only a matter of time

**┼chloroform┼:** lemme add his ass back here this is hell you cant just LEAVE

**Masked bitcH:** purgatory is a thing but ok

 

_┼chloroform┼ added Casper the friendly ghost to the group_

 

**Casper the friendly ghost:** The nickname stayed....

**Masked bitcH:** its a very fitting nickname

**Casper the friendly ghost:** Why are you all still awake, anyways? It’s almost five.

**ROUpaul:** I think shirezu fell asleep, actually

**ROUpaul:** im watching makeup tutorials on yt

**┼chloroform┼:** again????

**ROUpaul:** yes, AGAIN... i still have much to learn

**ROUpaul:** we owe christen dominique so much

**┼chloroform┼:** i dont owe her ANYTHING

**┼chloroform┼:** im still mad @ u for using my!! special!!! ritual knives!!! for contouring!!!

**Casper the friendly ghost:** That’s really unsanitary.....do you want to know where those have been?

**ROUpaul:** why is everyone coming for me it was an emergency

**┼chloroform┼:** thats not what the knives told me

**Casper the friendly ghost:** What about you, Yone? Or did you fall asleep too?

**Masked bitcH:** petition to rename kazehiki to gc mom

**┼chloroform┼:** i’ll put it into consideration

**Masked bitcH:** and im playing mystic messenger.... im trying to beat 707s route this time!

**ROUpaul:** are there really people playing mysmes in twenty gay teen

**Masked bitcH:** shut up you know i didnt have a phone when it came out

**┼chloroform┼:** ew seven,,,,, he and his ugly hacker ass can choke

**Casper the friendly ghost:** You’re just saying that because he’s Catholic, aren’t you?

**┼chloroform┼:** precisely

**Masked bitcH:** luciel doesn’t deserve this >:v

**ROUpaul:** nah fr tho you can’t deny his character is amazing

**┼chloroform┼:** he can hmu whenever he gets rid of that nuns habit

**┼chloroform┼:** i cant believe all my friends are luciel apologists

**ROUpaul:** he isnt even my fave??? i love jumin......daddy material

**┼chloroform┼:** Kuzudarou the golddigger

**Casper the friendly ghost:** I liked V’s route a lot.

**┼chloroform┼:** when will cheritz give in and give us the rika route we all deserve!!!

**Casper the friendly ghost:** Of course you’d want a route for the cult leader..

**ROUpaul:** she ruined the lives of half the cast??

**┼chloroform┼:** yeah but she’s hot

**ROUpaul:** thats fair

**Masked bitcH:** OKAY

**Masked bitcH:** I FINALLY FINISHED THIS CHATROOM i can finally rest bye everyone

**ROUpaul:** yeah gn

**┼chloroform┼:** deuces!!!

 

_Masked bitcH is now offline_

_┼chloroform┼ is now offline_

  
**ROUpaul:** wait I still don’t know what a meringue is

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> if you, like kuzudarou, also don't know what a meringue is, here's a simple definition:  
> "an item of sweet food made from a mixture of well-beaten egg whites and sugar, baked until crisp and typically used as a topping for desserts"  
> use this knowledge wisely
> 
> also idk where i should have mentioned this but canon wise, kuzudayone and kuzudarou's relationship is ambiguous  
> my personal hc of them is that they both hail from this huge clan/family of demons, which makes them....distant cousins? yeah thats what they are here
> 
> also im not sure what ur @ is on here, but thank you serena for betaing!


	2. the great ikea massacre of 2018

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Masked bitcH: legend says if you chant tylenol in front of a mirror 3 times kazehiki will appear and call you a bitch  
> ┼chloroform┼: Σ(ﾟДﾟ；)  
> ┼chloroform┼: BRB  
> Casper the friendly ghost: Please don’t...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's not a chatfic if someone doesn't get banned from ikea
> 
> Lmao anyways hello everyone!! I'm finally back!! The last chapter took me nearly a month to write, and this one took me only four days, so I suppose that says something about my productivity? (Or not, seeing as I worked on this to procrastinate on homework smh) I hope that this isn't too long...
> 
> At any rate, I hope you enjoy!

_May 13, 2018_

_11:38 am_

 

 **ROUpaul:** hold up i just realized

 **ROUpaul:** how are kazehiki and shirezu even able to type

 

_┼chloroform┼ is now online_

 

 **┼chloroform┼:** oh i made sure shirezu had one of those phones with a stylus!!! so she can just make it float and shit

 **Masked bitcH:** was it a samsung

 **┼chloroform┼:** yeah i think so

 **Masked bitcH:** are u sure it wont like. explode on her or smth

 **ROUpaul:** DIDNT THEY TAKE THOSE OFF THE SHELVES

 **Masked bitcH:** ur really gonna believe what a bunch of humans are saying?? i didnt raise you like this

 **ROUpaul:** you didnt raise me at all

 **┼chloroform┼:** shirezu’s a strong girl im sure she can handle it

 **Masked bitcH:** she locked herself in the closet last week because she was scared the vacuum cleaner was going to eat her lmao

 **┼chloroform┼:** i

 **┼chloroform┼:** guys we’re going phone shopping today!!

 **Masked bitcH:** oh u should get her the iphone 8 thats what i have

 **Masked bitcH:** and one of those styluses

 **Masked bitcH:** what are they called again??? apple pens?

 **┼chloroform┼:** if you really think im gonna waste my good money on some fragile ass apple product you are thoroughly mistaken

 **Masked bitcH:** cheap

 **Masked bitcH:** ohhhh wait i forgot u humans cant keep shit inside ur hands nvm

 **ROUpaul:** y’all are changing the subject

 **ROUpaul:** what about kazehiki

 **┼chloroform┼:** oh him??

 **┼chloroform┼:** i actually have no idea

 **┼chloroform┼:** i mean if a ghost can bake whole ass cakes than he can use skype right???

 **ROUpaul:** thats not very comforting

 **Masked bitcH:** look the author is too lazy to elaborate on it so just. dont worry about it too much

 **ROUpaul:** the what

 **Masked bitcH:** ;3c

 **ROUpaul:** :/

 

_Casper the friendly ghost is now online_

 

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** Someone mentioned my name?

 **ROUpaul:** lhkrfsdKRGJDVKLZDULVF WHERE DID YOU COME FROM

 **Masked bitcH:** legend says if you chant tylenol in front of a mirror 3 times kazehiki will appear and call you a bitch

 **┼chloroform┼:** Σ(ﾟДﾟ；)

 **┼chloroform┼:** BRB

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** Please don’t...

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** I don’t even use profa

 

_Casper the friendly ghost is now offline_

 

 **ROUpaul:** did it actually

 **┼chloroform┼:** IT WORKED

 **┼chloroform┼:** IT ACTUALLY WORKED HE’S IN MY ROOM RN HE JUST POPPED OUT OF NOWHERE

 **Masked bitcH:** pics or it didnt happen

 

_┼chloroform┼ sent a photo_

 

 **Masked bitcH:** niiiiice

 **ROUpaul:** he looks like he wants to cry

 **Masked bitcH:** he should have kicked us out of this godforsaken church when he had the chance then

 **Masked bitcH:** our city now

 **ROUpaul:** you say that as if you wouldnt have stayed either way,,,,

 **┼chloroform┼:** you guys

 **┼chloroform┼:** we can’t let this newfound power go to waste

 **┼chloroform┼:** i think we’re gonna go shopping today after all!!!

 **ROUpaul:** oh no

 **Masked bitcH:** are you implying that we go to some mall

 **Masked bitcH:** and use kazehiki to scare the shit out of the poor shoppers

 **┼chloroform┼:** absolutely

 **Masked bitcH:** im in

 **Masked bitcH:** we should go to ikea in that case...ikea is so much fun

 **ROUpaul:** i think the fuck not you trickass bitches

 **Masked bitcH:** excuse me

 **ROUpaul:** y’all know what thats called?? terrorism

 **┼chloroform┼:** ur no fun

 

_Casper the friendly ghost is now online_

 

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** I second that. I refuse to be used as some kind of device to frighten innocent people!

 **ROUpaul:** go off king

 **Masked bitcH:** ughhhhhh y’all are such party poopers

 **┼chloroform┼:** its 2 vs 2..... fuck

 

_eleven is now online_

 

 **Masked bitcH:** the answer to our prayers

 **ROUpaul:** SHIREZU

 **┼chloroform┼:** shirezu!!!

 **┼chloroform┼:** honey

 **┼chloroform┼:** sweetie

 **ROUpaul:** DONT LISTEN TO HER

 **┼chloroform┼:** baby

 **┼chloroform┼:** i need you to do me a t i n y favor ♡

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** You don’t need her to do anything.

 **eleven:** wh

 **ROUpaul:** they want to go to ikea and use kazehiki to do bad things!!

 **eleven:** bad th in g ?

 **ROUpaul:** yeah!! theyre gonna scare everyone!

 **┼chloroform┼:** doesnt that sound like fun????

 **ROUpaul:** thats BAD! you dont want them to do that right?   
**eleven:**     

 **eleven:** i want  to have  fu n

 **ROUpaul:** FUCKIGN

 **Masked bitcH:** now y’all HAVE to let us go ;)

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** This isn’t fair... Shirezu always listens to Gekiyaku!

 **Masked bitcH:** that sounds like a you problem

 **ROUpaul:** wouldnt it be a better idea to do this around Halloween?

 **┼chloroform┼:** hmmmmmm

 **Masked bitcH:** nice try

 **Masked bitcH:** if we do it then than people will think its some kind of attraction and we wont get as much of a reaction out of them

 **ROUpaul:** it was worth a shot

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** You’ve really thought this out haven’t you?

 **Casper the friendly ghost:**...

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** So how are we going to get there? Seeing as we can’t go by train....

 **ROUpaul:** KAZEHIKI

 **┼chloroform┼:** thats the spirit!!!

 **Masked bitcH:**  we can just use my car

 **ROUpaul:** where did you even get that from,,,,, its so expensive, even for you

 **Masked bitcH:** oh i borrowed it

 **┼chloroform┼: “** borrow”

 **Masked bitcH:** yeah i broke into this car dealership and demanded for the nicest one they had and they just gave it to me! everyone there was so polite

 **ROUpaul:** if some demon broke into your building threatening murder you’d be polite too

 **ROUpaul:** anyways just,,,,make sure u return it

 **ROUpaul:** so who’s driving

 **┼chloroform┼:** darou

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** Darou.

 **eleven:** daro

 **Masked bitcH:** wow i love how i’m not allowed to drive my own car :/

 **ROUpaul:** it isnt even yours?

 **┼chloroform┼:** you know damn well why none of us want you touching that steering wheel

 **Masked bitcH:** do i?

 **┼chloroform┼:** (ʘ言ʘ╬)

 **eleven:** u too   fast

 **Masked bitcH:** didnt we tell you lying was bad

 **┼chloroform┼:** ITS THE TRUTH??? you go so fast my halo nearly flew off the last time you drove with me

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** It’s a miracle that she’s never been in an accident before.

 **┼chloroform┼:** she probably already has she just charmed her way out of them smh

 **Masked bitcH:** you pipsqueaks don’t know the real meaning of speed

 **┼chloroform┼:** tell us that when ur in court for a hit and run

 **ROUpaul:** y’all are being mean

 **ROUpaul:** yone just goes fast because her legs are too short to reach the brake pedal all that well

 **┼chloroform┼:** DRAGGED

 **ROUpaul:** wait fuck

 **ROUpaul:**  FUCK I DIDNT MEAN IT LIKE THAT

 **ROUpaul:** I WAS BEING SERIOUS RFLWEDFVFED

 **Masked bitcH:** ,,,,,,

 **┼chloroform┼:** shes gonna kill u

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** as Yone herself would say: Rest in pieces.

 

_Masked bitcH is now offline_

 

 **┼chloroform┼:** i hear running??

 **┼chloroform┼:** NOW THERE’S SCREECHING WHATS GOING ON

 **┼chloroform┼:** yone if u kill him then we can’t fuck shit up at ikea

 **ROUpaul:** this is yone

 **ROUpaul:** we’re leaving in 15 minutes be there or be square

 **┼chloroform┼:** WHAT THE SHIT I HAVENT SHOWERED YET

 

_┼chloroform┼ is now offline_

 

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** So I take it you’re driving after all?

 **ROUpaul:** do u think i feel like driving

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** I don’t think Rou is fit to drive either...

 **ROUpaul:** he’s a big boy he’ll be fine

 

_ROUpaul is now offline_

_Casper the friendly ghost is now offline_

_eleven is now offline_

  
  
  
  


_May 13, 2018_

_9:01 pm_

 

 **┼chloroform┼:** operation ikea was a great success!!!

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** I can’t believe we managed to put the entire store on lockdown...

 **┼chloroform┼:** THE GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT OF MY ENTIRE LIFE

 **Masked bitcH:** the best part was when shirezu made that one girls huge hat fly off and she started crying

 **ROUpaul:** the one that looked like an eel??

 **ROUpaul:** that was hilarious

 **┼chloroform┼:** I made Kazehiki teleport in front of one of those multiple folded mirrors and all these grown women nearly pissed themselves yelling!!!! it was great

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** I teleported so many times that I feel dizzy.

 **Masked bitcH:** remember when shirezu made literally everyone in the childrens department float

 **┼chloroform┼:** I put that on snapchat sfllkfjsnfj legendary

 **ROUpaul:** highlight of my day was when i put my cyclops face on and this dude with a whole katana challenged me to a duel

 **Masked bitcH:** so u DID have fun

 **ROUpaul:** sadly

 **ROUpaul:** i cant believe yone is now banned from ikea lmaooo

 **Masked bitcH:** they thought I was the person who started the whole thing,,, little old me,,,

 **┼chloroform┼:** you turned the bedroom department into a mini trampoline park what were they supposed to think

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** To be fair, the cloth on your face DOES give the impression that you’re from some kind of... organization.

 **Masked bitcH:** i managed to pick up a few bags of my fave sweet and salty licorice so  im actually not that mad

 **┼chloroform┼:** a “few”

 **┼chloroform┼:** the entire trunk was filled with them!!!!

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** You did pay for them, right?

 **Masked bitcH:** yeah i aint about that criminal life

 **┼chloroform┼:** (눈‸눈)

 **Masked bitcH:** anyways im fucking exhausted so im signing out!!

 **eleven:** good    niht

 

_Masked bitcH is now offline_

_eleven is now offline_

 

 **ROUpaul:** i’m actually not tired so. who wants to watch netflix

 **┼chloroform┼:** i will!!!   
**ROUpaul:** aight i’ll go set it up

 

_ROUpaul is now offline_

 

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** I’ll join, on one condition.

 **┼chloroform┼:** what

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** We are NOT watching Devilman Crybaby.

 **┼chloroform┼:** why??? the fuck not???

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** I’ve seen enough of Akira transforming into a “devilman” to last a life time.

 **┼chloroform┼:** we will take a vote

 **Casper the friendly ghost:** Fine, we’ll take a vote.

 **┼chloroform┼:** And my vote counts double since im the one paying for the subscription (ᅌ ˇ ᅌ✿)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if this is obvious, but the "┼" is supposed to be an upside-down cross...it's the closest thing I could find sorry
> 
> Halfway through this I actually was considering using this whole scene in October (bc in the plot I have planned shit does go down then) but ehhh its fine i'll think of something else
> 
> Initially, I planned for there to be only one character to use kaomoji, it was gonna be her "thing", but it's gonna be a while until she shows up at this rate so now everyone gets some 
> 
> ♥*♡+:｡.｡ Thank you for reading!　｡.｡:+♡*♥


End file.
